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On Father’s Day

Sunday is Father’s Day, a holiday I have extremely mixed emotions about.

I love being a father.  Next to being a husband, it is my next favorite thing, ahead of coffee, the wilderness, and driving a race car.  To be fair, I’ve never driven a race car, and I’m sure I’d love it…but even so, it couldn’t outpace being a father.

On the being a father aspect, I’m cool with it.  It’s fulfilling, fun, challenging and inspiring, in an exhausting, expensive sort of way.   It’s the having a father aspect that is tough, because my dad’s been gone for years.

I was 28 when dad passed away.  Off hand, I can’t tell you how old I was for most of the other mile markers in life.  I’d have to get a piece of paper and do some serious math to figure out how old I was when I bought that Merkur Scorpio* or how old I was when Kelsey and I bought that two story on Wood Trail in Cincinnati, but I know how exactly old I was when Dad died….because I remember telling Kelsey that that 28 is too young to not have a dad.  Little did we know that a few years later, she’d lose hers at the same age.**

At 28, even married with a son, you’re still figuring a lot of things out.  Heaven knows I was, and when dad passed on I felt like a living library burned down.  He knew stuff and now, unless I’d already asked him, there were things I’d never know.

I don’t know how he felt about turning forty.   Or how old he was when he threw up his hands and realized “Ok, whatever, I’m bald.”  Or what it felt like to watch his son drive out of the driveway alone.  You don’t have those conversations when you’re 28.  You think you’ll have them later.  It doesn’t always happen.

A lot has changed since he left us.  I’ve added six children and three earrings.  He’d be ecstatic.  About the children.  I haven’t been back to our hometown since two years after he passed.  Sort of feels like I pressed through a wardrobe and while this isn’t exactly Narnia, I do like it here a lot.

Still, I miss him.

Happy fathers day everyone.  Love’m while you’ve got’m.


*Check out the original commercial, if only to see the glasses Tim Allen is wearing.

**Kelsey’s father and mother passed away within 100 days of one another, victims of strangely similar cancers.  They were amazing, quirky, interesting people.  I miss them both.

5 Responses

  1. amen. my daddy died when I was 21. it’s been a journey for us, learning how to parent with only moms in our adult lives…

  2. Thanks for sharing Randy. This Father’s Day will mark exactly six months to the day that I lost my dad. I am broken hearted over all the future points in my life (I’m only 30) when I will miss out on his love and wisdom. Don’t really know what I will do with myself this Sunday, but I will remember him & be thankful that I had a good dad for as long [short] as I did.

  3. Happy Father’s Day Randy!! 😀

    Father’s Day is bitter sweet for me too, because not only has my Dad been gone nearly 8 yrs; but my Dad passed the morning after Father’s Day 2002. We knew he was dying of lung cancer, so we were all there for what we knew would be my Dad’s last Father’s Day. PTL!! But we all thought we had more time! The doctor thought at least 3 months…but instead it was only 3 wks to the day of when he was officially diagnosised. I was only 32, and as a Daddy’s girl had always been close to my Dad! He was such a wise Godly man! And was by far the best therapist I ever had since he had his masters in psychology. I still miss him…but am so thankful that my kids knew him here on earth, because my brother’s kids were born after he passed. And so thankful for the man God gave me as my husband and the father of my beautiful kiddo’s!! 😀

  4. turning 28 in a few months. #prioritycheck

  5. this is a great post. i just walked through such a tough couple years with my dad’s health and battle with cancer. he is okay, and i know many can’t say the same about their own dads. i am so thankful for having him still here and feel so young to have been faced with him possibly not being here. (i just turned 32). i pray comfort for you and kelsey this weekend as you miss your own dads. they would be so proud of who you both have become.

    my recent post: you cannot have it all

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