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A Recap of “The Procedure”, option title: Elvis, Steve, & Me.

Thanks to all who emailed, twittered or facebooked their good wishes in regards to Thursday’s medical procedure on my throat.  I haven’t gotten around to giving the play by play, so here it is.

As chronicled in video here, I’d been having trouble swallowing food and my doctor decided to run a scope down my throat to see what was going on down there.  Thursday morning, Kelsey drove me to a clinic where I filled out reams of paperwork and was taken back to an exam room, if a room can be defined by curtains.

They put an IV line in my right arm (quite expertly, might I add) and put me on a gurney.  Then they asked me about allergies.  I’d written “peanut butter” on my form, but suddenly remembered “Oh yea – egg whites.”

Big eyes from the nurse and anesthesiologist.

“Eggs…”.

“Uh, yes….” I said, wondering if they planned on serving breakfast.

It turns out egg allergies are a big no-no with whatever they were about to knock me out with, so they switched to Demerol, which is Chickasaw for “Drug That Makes Time Go Bye Bye.”

They wheeled me into another room and prepared to hook up the Happy Juice when the nurse noticed my watch.

Be it known, I wear a cool watch.  It’s actually the same model that Elvis wore in Blue Hawaii.   Everywhere I go people ask about it, including the local bank VP who was awestruck because he thought it was from Star Trek.  He was disappointed to find out it wasn’t. I was disappointed that he thought Star Trek was cooler than Elvis and have considered removing my money from his bank based on this alone.

I was given the watch a few months ago.  I was having dinner with my friend Steve and noticed his watch.  He immediately took it off and handed it to me for a closer look.  I must have stared at it like the kid in The Christmas Story stared at the Red Ryder BB gun because Steve told me “Put it on.  It looks good on you.  Keep it.”

I tell the nurse this quick story and they open up the IV line, then I lay my head back on the pillow and begin to think.

“I have Steve’s watch on…. Steve had a routine medical procedure and it went really bad….”

(Going after his gallbladder, they triple pierced his aorta by mistake.)  Now he says ‘there’s no such thing as a routine medical procedure.

Again, I’m laying on the gurney thinking “I have Steve’s watch on.  Steve’s procedure was a disaster.  I have Steve’s watch on.  There’s no such thing as a routine medical procedure.  I have Steve’s watch on….Uh….”

Fade.  To. Black. I was zonked out.

In retrospect, I am glad I didn’t have time to put together the fact that even though Steve died and came back to life, Elvis is still dead.  I’m not sure what role the watch plays in all this, but Demoral messes with your head and you make these freaky connections.

Thirty minutes later I was awake (alert, not so much), repeatedly asking “Is it over?”  The doctor came in (so I am told) and explained that my throat was very small – so small he struggled to get the scope down it for any distance, but finally managed through a combination of brute force and a wikipedia article on his iphone.  He then stretched it (in diameter, not length) to help food go down.

Two days later, my throat is still a little sore, but I’m fine.

And I still have my watch.  Not so sure about Elvis.

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4 Responses

  1. yikes! will your throat stay stretched now, or do you have to have more stuff done?

    Elvis vs. Star Trek. That’s like Jesus vs. Stuart Smalley. Zero competition.

  2. funny blog today! Enjoyed reading it! So sorry about your throat but glad they stretched it so it feels better! Stay away from the eggs! Oh and as far as Elvis, seems he never dies really.

    Sonja

  3. So were you supposed to feel comforted or freaked out that your doctor consulted wikipedia during your procedure?? ;o)

  4. Actually I’m more freaked out that someone thought that part was real. 🙂

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